


Safe With You

by charcolor



Category: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Polyamory, should i tag it as that? it's a 3 way relationship so...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-03-12 02:58:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13538235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charcolor/pseuds/charcolor
Summary: When there's rough nights in Ponyville, the three girlfriends can count on each other for comfort and love.





	1. Fluttershy

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Family Functionality](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9876413) by [Princex_N](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princex_N/pseuds/Princex_N). 



At Fluttershy's cottage, she was seldom without a few animals sleeping in her bedroom. When she lay in bed, Fluttershy would listen for the soft breathing of her little friends as they drifted to sleep, the crickets singing outside her window, and the occasional wash of the river in the distance. All those little patterns of sounds assured her she was surrounded by safety and comfort.

But she wasn't at her cottage. She was with Twilight Sparkle, in a cold, silent castle. Her girlfriend was asleep next to her, a lavender wing loosely wrapped around her body, but Twilight's breathing was so quiet. She snored sometimes, but not now. Fluttershy would only hear her breathing if she held her ear close to Twilight's muzzle.

Even though they were dating, being in that position would feel rude and invasive of Fluttershy. She didn't sleep in the same bed as her girlfriends very often, so she wasn't used to anything like sleepy cuddles. Twilight wasn't awake to give her permission to act in such ways. And Fluttershy had forgotten to ask before.

She'd been to this castle countless times, but at night it felt so foreign.

It seemed dramatic to think something like "the silence is so loud," but that's almost how Fluttershy felt. When she was overwhelmed by a loud, continuous cluster of noise, she felt weak and helpless, and she felt like her head would burst with stress. In this total silence, it wasn't much different. But she couldn't just make some noise for herself. It'd wake up Twilight.

If Fluttershy wanted to be a good girlfriend, she'd have to adjust to this environment.

She closed her eyes and tried to settle in the bed, but she found herself flinching and holding her breath every time she thought she heard the slightest noise. It wasn't long before Fluttershy realized it was dangerous to rest. If something was lurking in the castle, she had to make sure it didn't hurt Twilight. Or at the very least, she had to make sure she knew the source of the noise.

Fluttershy cautiously pulled herself out from under the blanket and Twilight's wing and ventured out into the hall.

She heard it again, a soft echo of water dripping. Logically, Fluttershy knew it was probably just a sink, but that sound wasn't there before. Although it terrified her, it wouldn't be right not to find the source.

Fluttershy followed her ears. Every resounding hoofstep she took made her listen harder, lest she miss any other potential danger. She could use her wings to keep herself off the ground, but the sound of flapping wouldn't be much better, plus she had no way of knowing what was above her. In moments she found that the dripping noise was hidden behind a closed door.

Part of her wanted to turn and run back the way she came, but there was no guarantee that whatever could be hiding in there wouldn't be able to escape.

With a trembling hoof, Fluttershy pushed the door slowly. Something could jump out at her any second now. Her muscles tensed up as she took a step toward the shadows. The drip-drops were very close. It felt like it was coming from right beside her.

Anything could be hiding in here. Fluttershy had to find a light.

Another sound came. Fluttershy froze, and listened for it again. She couldn't make it out so clearly, but she thought she'd heard something moving. Something in this room. Something in this small, dark room.

Fluttershy wasn't alone, was she?

But she couldn't bring herself to flee. As much as she willed it, she stood totally still in the dark. Her heartbeat was so rapid and loud, there was no way she could hide her own presence now.

The light. She reminded herself she had to just turn on the light.

Was there a switch, or a lamp? Fluttershy didn't know what room she was in. It seemed most rooms in this castle used lamps, so there was probably a lamp here, too. Fluttershy tore her wings away from her body and felt around with them. The first thing she felt was a solid, cold surface to her right. Then it fell into a bowl shape.

Then something wet touched her.

Fluttershy's guard was up, but the confirmation that she wasn't alone still shocked her into flinching away, pulling her wings back around her as she jumped further back into the darkness.

The drip-drops were a little quieter now, a little farther away. Fluttershy took a slow inhale and tried to think clearly. She remembered the bowl shape of the hole her wing slid into. It was a sink. The sink was dripping water, that was all.

Fluttershy stepped forward again, feeling around again with her wing for the sink. She was finally able to wipe whatever the source of the water drops was off from the faucet. She felt for the handle, and was able to use her wing to turn it ever so slightly. That noise was gone.

But now it was so deafeningly silent again. And when the next noise came, it reminded Fluttershy she wasn't alone. A soft, brief rustle from behind.

_If I keep still, I'll blend, right?_ It was silly to believe. She'd probably already given herself away.

Then, another echo. Hoofsteps.

Fluttershy's wings tightened around her. It was a protective instinct, it seemed, though realistically Fluttershy knew it wouldn't do much. She tried to get herself to realize the situation. Somepony was in this bathroom with her. They were probably hiding in the empty bathtub. And now somepony else was coming toward this room. What were they doing? Were they plotting together against her? Were they going to kidnap her?

She fell to her knees, opening her wings over her head as she tucked it into her chest, feeling her quickening pulse through her skull. She didn't know what else to do. She couldn't run or hide without making things worse. She listened as the steps got louder, waiting for them to stop.

"Fluttershy?" called a soft voice.

It was familiar. Fluttershy took another deep inhale and tried to recognize it. A voice of protection and safety. The voice of a beautiful pony who loved her. It was Twilight Sparkle.

But no, it couldn't be. Twilight was asleep. This had to be somepony impersonating Twilight to get Fluttershy's guard down. At first Fluttershy wanted to resist it, but it was pretty obvious she couldn't escape anymore. Fluttershy pulled her wings from her eyes and saw a magenta glow above a pair of illuminated violet eyes. Twilight's eyebrows knitted together. "What are you doing in here?" she asked in a low whisper.

Fluttershy's shoulders relaxed a little. It seemed to be real. After all, Twilight's magenta glow highlighted a vague outline of her mane, and it was mussed from her pillow. If somepony were to impersonate her, they probably wouldn't think of that detail, right?

But now there was another problem. Fluttershy wanted to run over to Twilight, in hope that she would have a better chance at fighting off whatever was coming. After all, Twilight was much braver and stronger than Fluttershy could ever be. But even that wouldn't be enough sometimes, especially if Twilight wasn't expecting any danger. The last thing Fluttershy wanted was to put Twilight's life at risk. It'd be so selfish of her. So Fluttershy stayed put on the cold crystal floor, willing her body to stop shuddering, as she forced a whisper through her lips. "Get out, Twilight. They might hurt you too."

"Fluttershy?" Twilight's voice rose a bit, her eyes widening, her pupils darting toward something. There was a click, and everything was white for a second, provoking Fluttershy to tightly shut her eyes until the flash was gone. When they opened, she was greeted with the bright, welcoming colors of the room. Twilight was still looking down at her, the glow from her horn fading. She obviously wasn't about to flee, so there wasn't much Fluttershy could do. If Fluttershy tried to run away, whatever was hiding would certainly lunge at them both. But Twilight was in danger either way.

She didn't have time to choose. Twilight swiftly approached her. "Fluttershy, did you see something in here?"

"I heard them," Fluttershy answered immediately, "behind me, they're going to get me any second now...and somepony else is coming, I heard them walking down the hall..."

Twilight nodded, stepping over Fluttershy. She pulled back the bathtub curtain. Fluttershy felt a gasp slip through her throat, and tightened her whole body, bracing herself.

"It's okay," Twilight said. "It's empty."

But it was too late to quell Fluttershy's worries. She raised her head a bit, feeling a bit more comfortable in the light, glancing around for any nooks and crannies where something sinister could be obscured.

"Do you know who's coming down the hall?" Twilight asked. She lowered herself to sit beside Fluttershy, extending her wing over her.

Fluttershy shook her head. "I don't hear it anymore."

"It...could've been me." Twilight smiled a bit. It was a very pretty smile, and that familiar kindness calmed Fluttershy a little. "I woke up from a loud noise and I got worried when I saw you weren't in bed. So I came to find you."

"W-what loud noise?"

"It was you opening the bathroom door, I think. When the castle's so quiet, everything echoes so loudly."

Fluttershy finally pulled herself to her hooves, and Twilight rose with her. Looking around now, it seemed so harmless. There was nothing threatening about this room at all. It was embarassing, for Twilight to witness how pathetic she was.

"Is something bothering you?" Twilight pulled her closer, so their bodies nearly brushed beside each other.

Fluttershy saw the genuine concern filling Twilight's eyes, and she looked away. "It's nothing worth worrying about," she sighed. "It's silly, it's stupid."

"That's not true, Fluttershy. I want to help you."

"I..." Fluttershy swallowed through her guilt. "It's so childish. Your castle's so quiet at night, it scares me. I heard a leaky faucet and I had to fix it...but then I felt like somepony was hiding in the dark..."

"That's not stupid at all!" Fluttershy turned her gaze back to see Twilight raising a hoof to her chest. Her voice seemed strangely surprised. "Would it help you sleep if I found a fan?"

Fluttershy's ears straightened up. She hadn't even realized they were flattened in the first place. "I think it would," she breathed.

They left the room side by side, with Twilight quickly turning off the lamp and shutting the door. Fluttershy watched her hooves, but kept her ears focused on Twilight as she spoke. "It might seem silly after you get over it," she said, "but that feeling's terrifying when you have it. If I can't use logic to get rid of my fear, I'm not sure what else I could do other than run or hide."

"You're strong," Fluttershy replied. She was calmer now, but her shame kept her eyes locked in front of her. "You could fight away anything. I couldn't."

"Unicorn magic doesn't work as well when you're panicked, if that's what you mean."

When they reached the bedroom, Twilight suddenly pulled Fluttershy in an embrace, wrapping her wide wings around her. "I'm sorry," she said quietly. "I didn't know you were so scared."

Fluttershy hesitated, but she quickly recognized the safety she felt in Twilight's wings, and she closed her eyes to wrap her forelegs around Twilight. "It's not your fault I'm such a scaredy-pony."

"I know, but...I should've paid more attention."

Fluttershy shook her head, gently so she wouldn't accidentally headbutt Twilight. "No, I should've trusted you enough to tell you. But...I guess it's just embarassing."

Twilight pulled apart from her. Fluttershy looked up at her, and Twilight held her gaze. "I don't want you to have to hide anything important," she said.

"It's not important. It's silly."

"No, I think it's very important." Twilight trotted over to a closet, and opened the door to rummage through its contents. "I know from experience. It's downright nightmarish when your paranoia gets the better of you."

Fluttershy felt her body relax a bit, and she felt a small smile across her face. It wasn't so pathetic after all, if Twilight was able to understand.

"Ah, there it is!" Twilight yanked at something with her magenta glow, and fell on her back as a small electric fan tumbled out. "It's small, but it should be enough, I think." She pulled the closet door closed.

"Um..." Fluttershy was happy that Twilight could find a little noise for them to sleep to, but... "Are you sure you're okay with it?"

"Of course. It's not gonna hurt me." Twilight nudged a button, and a soft whirring of blades filled the air. "I just want you to be able to sleep safely. If you weren't, I wouldn't be too happy either."

They climbed back into bed together, pulling the blanket over themselves. Fluttershy was surprised at how warm and soft the bedding suddenly was. Maybe it was the breeze from the fan, or the constant chill of the castle floors. Twilight pulled Fluttershy toward her and wrapped her wings around her. Already, her purple eyes were starting to close, and she looked at Fluttershy with a smile so full of love. She was so beautiful, even her messy hair and sleepy eyes.

"Oh..." Fluttershy pulled away just a bit. "I forgot to ask you something..."

"Hm?" Twilight opened her eyes a little more to see Fluttershy.

"Um..." As if the fluff from Twilight's wings and the bed wasn't making her warm enough, Fluttershy felt heat rise to her face. "C-can I cuddle with you when you're asleep?"

Twilight giggled and pulled Fluttershy closer again. She felt her gently kiss the top of her head, and at that Fluttershy closed her eyes and buried her face into Twilight's chest.

"I wouldn't mind at all," Twilight murmured, and they spent the rest of the night sleeping peacefully in a silent room. It wasn't too silent, of course, but even if it weren't for the electric fan, Twilight's protective embrace would probably be enough for Fluttershy to remember she was safe, with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> most of my paranoia (i'm pretty sure it's an OCD thing? not 100% though) comes from unexpected noises from electronics. if that makes sense. but unless i make this an AU (which i don't feel like doing) i can't really incorporate that accurately. i hope this chapter was okay.  
> and, uh, hopefully one of these days i'll stop starting new multi-chapter fics when i already have like 5 unfinished ones


	2. Pinkie Pie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey so at some point while writing this i accidentally published it? if you ended up seeing the unfinished chapter i'm sorry. hopefully you didn't, i'd be really embarassed.
> 
> here it is for realsies!!

At times like this, Pinkie Pie was very grateful that both of her girlfriends had wings. Nights in early spring were often very chilly, so when she was outside it felt really, really good to have soft wings wrapping her in warmth.

Fluttershy had taken her up on this hill so that they could look at the stars. "Twilight always talks about constellations," Fluttershy had said on the way. "I think it'd be fun to tell you what I learned."

Listening to such a sweet, soft voice full of excitement made Pinkie a little giddy. Sometimes there were moments when she'd be spending time with one or both of her girlfriends and suddenly feel overwhelmed with the realization of how much she loved them. It would cause her to make pretty impulsive decisions. As Fluttershy was gushing over a constellation called Carina, Pinkie sat up and kissed her on the cheek.

"Oh--!" Fluttershy gasped, then giggled and pulled Pinkie closer under her wing. Pinkie felt her press her lips onto the top of her head.

"You're super cute, Fluttershy." Pinkie was always telling her this, and Fluttershy blushed and grinned every time and that made her even more adorable.

They sat on the grass that way for a while. Fluttershy kept talking, her eyes glittering as if reflecting the stars, and Pinkie snuggled into her body and listened. She didn't quite understand everything Fluttershy was saying, but it made her overjoyed to share it with Pinkie, and that was the most important thing.

She ended up falling asleep beside Fluttershy that night on the hill. She couldn't help it. Everything about Fluttershy was so soft and calming and it made her sleepy. That was okay, as long as Fluttershy was here. Being wrapped in her wings always assured Pinkie that Fluttershy loved her as much as she loved Fluttershy.

Then Pinkie woke up and she was all alone at the top of the hill. Without anypony beside her, she was a bit cold. No,  _really_ cold. She was shivering.

Something really bad was about to happen. Pinkie didn't know exactly what it was, but she knew it was coming. Or maybe it had already happened. With every second her heart beat faster, bursting into her throat. If she were to try to say anything, she knew she'd choke on it.

Pinkie forcibly pulled her gaze up to the sky. Stars were still scattered about. The ones Fluttershy showed her--no, she didn't. Fluttershy wasn't here, she'd never been here. Pinkie had been imagining it. She'd been imagining everything. 

She was dying, that was it. Curled up on this hill freezing to death. If she didn't remember how she'd really gotten here, then maybe Pinkie was already dead. The ground felt like a vague fuzz, a delusion about to crumble, so maybe she was a ghost. Would a ghost have a heart that raced so hard it shook the entire body with each thud, trying to escape? No, maybe not. She was dying now, alone with nopony to say goodbye to.

Pinkie didn't want to die. She tried to cry out for help, but it wouldn't come out of her, and instead she stopped being able to breathe. She desperately tried to swallow the air around her, but it wouldn't come. Of course. There wasn't any air to take. Everything was an illusion, a dying dream.

She heard a shout.

"I d-don't want t-to die..." Pinkie couldn't figure out if the words escaped her, but maybe they did, because her chest tightened even more, like it was clutching something precious, and she couldn't breathe, and she finally felt like this illusion was going away.

But something real touched her hoof and brought her back.

"Pinkie Pie...look at me, okay?"

Pinkie was really dizzy right now, so she knew if she raised her head it'd fall back on the ground. But with enough will she was able to turn herself to try to find the direction of Fluttershy's voice.

"A-are you--" Pinkie tried to ask, but she couldn't bring any more words out of her. She tried to focus her eyes on Fluttershy's own. They reflected the starlight. Were the stars real, then? Or was Fluttershy imaginary?

"You can breathe," Fluttershy told her. Her voice was clear and steady. "I know it feels like you can't, but I _know_ you can."

Before Pinkie could try to respond, she felt the first sign of warmth. The tips of feathers tracing down her spine and back up to her neck.

"I'm touching you with my wing," Fluttershy said. "Is that okay?"

Pinkie nodded. Fluttershy's feathers had a tiny tickle to them. She'd always liked that about Fluttershy's wings. She wanted Fluttershy to keep doing this, not just because she loved it, but her touch seemed like the only thing keeping Pinkie from disappearing.

Then Pinkie felt something settle beside her. Something rising and falling at a slow pace. Fluttershy's voice was closer. "Breathe with me, okay, Pinkie? I know you can."

"Don't--" Pinkie felt an icy shudder run through her and choke the words down before they came out, but this was important. She tried again. "D-Don't leave, I d-don't want t-to be--"

"You'll be okay, Pinkie. I'm not going anywhere. Just listen and breathe with me."

Pinkie wasn't sure she was going to be okay at all, but Fluttershy's voice was such a soothing sound to hear. She sounded so sure of everything she said, too. Of course, Pinkie had no idea whether or not any of this was real, but maybe it wouldn't hurt to try. So her head found its way against Fluttershy's chest. As she buried the side of her head in the warm, smooth fur, Pinkie felt Fluttershy lightly rest her chin in her hair.

Fluttershy's breaths were slow and deep. As she exhaled, Pinkie could vaguely feel a cool breeze through her hair. For some reason, listening reminded Pinkie of the ocean. That was probably a good thing. Oceans were calming, right? Fluttershy could be calming, too, then.

It seemed to take hours, but Pinkie felt herself breathe again, as she slowed it to match Fluttershy. Opening her eyes--apparently she'd been squeezing them shut the whole time--Pinkie tilted her head up, and Fluttershy's lips curved up into a smile.

But even if she wasn't dying anymore, Pinkie still wasn't safe. She pulled away from Fluttershy and tried to sit up. Right away, though, she noticed she was still a little lightheaded, so she fell right back on her stomach again.

"Do you feel okay?" Fluttershy asked.

Pinkie didn't know the answer. She looked in Fluttershy's teal eyes again. They still glittered with starlight. Were they supposed to?

"I'm scared," she replied, her voice trembling very slightly. She didn't know how else to put it. "You were gone when I woke up. And then I thought maybe you're not real and nothing's real and I was imagining everything and now I'm dying..."

"I understand." Fluttershy pulled her back into her wings as she spoke. "I'm sorry about leaving you here. You fell asleep, but I didn't want to wake you up just to go to my cottage, so I only left to find a blanket for you." She nodded her head toward something colored orange and white resting on the grass behind her. "I didn't even consider that you could have a panic attack while I was gone. And I really should've, I've been through it too many times."

"It's not your fault." Pinkie really meant it, but she was afraid her voice was too quiet and shaky to be convincing.

Fluttershy didn't respond. With a little hesitation, she asked, "Do you still think this isn't real?"

It was hard to tell. Fluttershy felt real. Fluttershy wouldn't have come to save her if she wasn't real, and since Pinkie wasn't dying, there was really no other way to have been here other than Fluttershy bringing her. But who was to say that everything else was real, too?

"I think you're real," Pinkie answered. "But I can't tell about anything else. Like the ground." The ground was grassy, but it felt like nothing more than a faint tingle. "It feels funny."

Fluttershy kissed her on the head. That was real. Fluttershy was real. Fluttershy loved her, and she loved Fluttershy. Everything about that was real, at least. Pinkie could take a little comfort in that.

"Can you tell me?" Pinkie asked. "You're real. You should know."

Fluttershy nodded. "The ground is grassy. Do you feel the grass?"

"Not really."

"Maybe you're too cold. Do you want that blanket I fetched for you?"

"That might help."

She watched as Fluttershy reached to grasp the quilt with her teeth. Now that Pinkie could see the orange-white checker pattern more clearly, she remembered seeing it before. It was from Fluttershy's bed.

"Where are you gonna sleep if you don't have your blanket?" Pinkie worried.

Fluttershy simply responded, "I have another one." She pulled the quilt around Pinkie, an opening between the ends, exposing her toward Fluttershy. Pinkie instinctively decided to fill that opening by grabbing Fluttershy and hugging her tightly, causing Fluttershy to let out a small, happy murmur. Then she continued. "Even if you don't feel the grass, I know it's there. I can see it and feel it. In a little bit, I think you'll feel it, too. And the stars are real. Can you see them?"

Pinkie gently raised her head. The stars were as bright as they'd been all night. But were they the same stars? She tried to find that constellation Fluttershy had said she really liked. Where was it? Did it go away? "Where's Carina?"

Fluttershy unfurled one of her wings and pointed it in a vague direction. Once she did that, it was easy to find Carina. If the stars were the same, then Pinkie was seeing them right. 

"I just wanted to make sure," she explained, lowering her head back against Fluttershy's chest. "I wanted to make sure it wasn't my imagination."

"It's not," Fluttershy reassured her. "When I took you here and told you what I know about stars, that was real. I learned it from Twilight. She's real, too. And she loves us both, and that's real."

"Is Twilight here?" Pinkie hadn't even thought about anything or anyone outside of when she and Fluttershy were together on the hill. If Twilight Sparkle had been here the whole time and Pinkie hadn't noticed, something was really wrong.

To her relief, Fluttershy answered, "No, she's not here. But she's real. Everything you remember about her is real, and everything you remember about me is real."

That could be tested. "Are you twenty-four years old?"

"That's right."

"And Twilight, too?"

"Mm-hm."

"Okay, then you're right."

Pinkie noticed something brushing underneath her. It was the grass. It didn't feel so numb anymore.

"And I love you," Fluttershy added. "That'll always be real."

"I know that one." Pinkie felt herself smile. It seemed like forever since she'd been able to do that. "You're amazing, Fluttershy. Sorry for being so weird."

"What do you mean?"

Pinkie wasn't so cold anymore, but the blush blossoming in her face was still noticeable to her. It must've shown through. Fluttershy kissed her again, this time on one of her cheeks. "I never really thought you could be embarassed, you know. I never thought about..." Fluttershy hesitated, then started again. "I never imagined what a panic attack could be like for you."

"It's happened before," Pinkie pointed out. "You were there once. But that one was shorter. And different."

"I probably didn't recognize it," Fluttershy admitted. "But I'm glad that didn't stop you from trusting me this time."

A small giggle rose from Pinkie. "Why wouldn't I? I love you too much." She nuzzled Fluttershy as they cuddled, and Pinkie kissed her nose. Were they kissing each other too much? Fluttershy didn't seem to mind, so it didn't really matter.

"Do you want to sleep in my cottage?" Fluttershy asked.

Pinkie wanted to, but now that Fluttershy mentioned it, she'd never slept in her bed before. She'd rarely ever slept in her cottage at all. "Are your animals gonna be okay with that?"

"Of course." Fluttershy got back on her hooves, slowly, probably so that she wouldn't pull the blanket from Pinkie by accident. "All my animals know about my girlfriends. They're probably expecting you to sleep over at some point."

Pinkie grinned and stood beside her. She was still a little sleepy, since it was the middle of the night and all, but she wasn't dizzy like before. "I love being expected!" she laughed, a bubble of joy suddenly bursting through her.

Fluttershy returned her grin. "Let's go, then. Just be careful you don't fall down the hill."

"What's wrong with falling down hills?" Pinkie challenged. "I do that all the time."

"I'd call that rolling down hills."

They walked beside each other down toward the cottage. Pinkie threw the blanket over Fluttershy, so they had to stick together in order to keep it on both their backs. Pinkie was fine with that. She could listen to Fluttershy's hooves gently stepping against the grass and the very gentle, very quiet way she breathed through her nose. It was strange to feel so sure about those sounds now, on the same night Pinkie had been so convinced that she'd been dying.

It was a good kind of strange, though. It was clear now that this was real. Fluttershy was able to bring her to realize that, just by loving her enough. Pinkie was so lucky to be with Fluttershy, and she knew if anything bad actually did happen to her, she'd be safe with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now i know what you're thinking. "aimee why do you always write hurt/comfort about pinkie pie?" the answer is simple. i want her to know that she is loved.
> 
> also, if there are canonically no hills located near fluttershy's cottage? forget you ever read this. i've already embarrassed myself enough for the week
> 
> this chapter was a little hard to write because i don't ever 100% know whether or not anything is real. i mean i can be like 99.5% sure but there's always at least a tiny trace of doubt. i try not to think too much about it. so it was tough trying to figure out how to end it well without forcing my daughter into that situation. i hope i did okay.


	3. Twilight Sparkle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a little less...G-rated than the others? i want to keep the G rating so that i don't scare anyone away from the first two chapters, but it's probably necessary to put a warning here. there's mentions/implications of self harm in this chapter (but none of it actually happening).
> 
> guess that happens when you're coping, huh

When Twilight Sparkle was a filly, she'd completely idolized Princess Celestia. It wasn't much different now, but as a filly she would actually daydream about being just like Princess Celestia, being a beautiful alicorn princess with strong magic, maybe even living in a castle.

Of course, as Twilight grew and matured, she didn't really want that so badly anymore. How many little fillies wanted to become alicorn princesses, then moved on to more realistic goals upon realizing being a princess was near impossible? Yet, for Twilight, here it was anyway. She didn't really mind at all. Her wings were much more convenient than levitation or teleportation when it came to flying, plus she could use them to hug her girlfriends. And the title of being a princess was a fantastic opportunity for her to spread friendship across the world, which sounded kind of cheesy when she put it that way, but that was just how she saw it.

Being a princess wasn't a bad thing. It let Twilight see just how much she'd grown as a pony. But then, sometimes, like right now, she'd think about the time she lived in Ponyville before she became a princess and she'd make herself sad. It was silly. She was supposed to be grateful. And really, she was. It was just one of those nights where she'd think a little too much about the memories she'd made before.

It hadn't been too much of a problem until her library treehouse burned down. At least in that treehouse, Twilight could feel like the same pony. But now that she was in this grand castle, she had almost none of that comforting familiarity of her first home in Ponyville.

It wasn't entirely gone, though. Since Twilight had started dating Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie, she'd often invite one or both of them to spend the night with her in her castle. Usually it was Pinkie who came, since Fluttershy wasn't entirely used to bed sharing yet. Pinkie was the one beside Twilight right now in her bed, fast asleep and snuggled into her chest. Twilight had her bundled in her wings, completely trapping her. Actually, maybe "trapping" wasn't the right word. It wasn't as if Pinkie couldn't breathe. Twilight had a pretty well-ventilated coat, so Pinkie probably wouldn't be in any danger if she kept her muzzle buried in there all night.

It was funny, how her friends still loved her even after Twilight had changed so much. Even after Twilight fell in love with two of them. "It's not that I love them more," she'd reasoned, "it's just that I love them differently." Nopony seemed to disagree with that, but Twilight still sometimes found herself wondering if it was wrong of her, especially when it came to the inevitable future consequences. In fact, the first night she'd recognized that she was in love, she'd ended up bleeding from what was now uneven patches of fur on her legs.

What would happen if Twilight continued to change? Her girlfriends wouldn't know her anymore, and they'd all grow apart. That thought was terrifying. Would Twilight have anything left at all if it weren't for her friends?

She gazed at Pinkie, still sleeping peacefully against her. Pinkie hadn't changed much since they'd first met. Sure, she'd gotten older and more mature, but that was inevitable for everypony. Besides, being more mature didn't mean Pinkie had stopped being a bubbly bouncy ball of joy. And Pinkie still had the same lifestyle as when Twilight had met her. The only difference, really, was that now she was dating two ponies.

Was Pinkie going to regret this someday?

If Twilight wasn't a princess, there really wouldn't be any reason to like her this way. And Pinkie wasn't that shallow. After all, Fluttershy wasn't a princess. Fluttershy was a beautiful, graceful pegasus who was irresistibly kind and loving, a pony who was endlessly selfless and had such infinite love to give. So what was it about Twilight? She couldn't think of herself the way she thought of Fluttershy--or Pinkie, for that matter. Pinkie was always looking on the bright side and doing everything she could to make everypony happy. She was always happy, too. It would've been better for her to date somepony who could match her optimism and keep her smiling that way forever.

Instead, she chose Twilight.

The one who'd been so irritable with her when she was just trying to be happy. The one who'd always been so negative and unbearable, the one who'd treated her like a completely absentminded child, the one who'd made her feel inadequate, because Twilight was the one who couldn't make herself be as loving, as outgoing, as cheerful, as wonderful as Pinkie Pie.

Despite  _everything,_ Pinkie forgave her for the things she'd done years ago.

 _I was really awful back then, wasn't I?_ Twilight thought, holding her girlfriend closer.  _If she didn't forgive me, I couldn't blame her at all._

Even now, Twilight couldn't imagine that Pinkie would think of her as a good girlfriend. Twilight certainly had changed as a pony, but she still had depression. It wasn't as if Pinkie was never, ever unhappy, but could she really understand and deal with Twilight in times like this?

Did Pinkie even know about the times like this, where Twilight was overcome with a desire for an endless sleep? It was actually kind of ironic, how Twilight felt so tired, so demotivated, due to a combination of everyday stress and her own mental illness acting up, and finally she was in her warm bed with an adorable fluffy pony dozing beside her, yet she couldn't close her eyes.

She was afraid of waking up. That was it, definitely. Twilight was dreading tomorrow. She didn't have stressful plans or anything. It was just the idea that she had another day to live, and another after that and another after that and so on, that made her tremble.

 _I can't take it anymore._ It wasn't the first time the thought crossed Twilight's mind, and it wouldn't be the last. She knew that she'd end up alive and awake whether she liked it or not. Eventually, this burden would pass, but right now Twilight couldn't bring herself to see past it.

She had too many responsibilities now. She was too important, too admired by ponies. A few years earlier, she'd only been treated as important as her friends. Now she finally felt the connection fraying, and someday soon, it'd be gone, and their friendship would shatter.

Losing them was horrifyingly inevitable. Twilight could delay it, but there was no way she'd stop it. It was selfish to want her friends to be close to her all the time, she  _knew_ that, but it was how she felt anyway. Was she manipulative, then? Would she end up guilt-tripping her friends into staying?

Twilight's shuddering breath caught in her throat as she felt something stir against her. She looked down, and realized that she'd started to cry, and her tears, likely cold and wet needles, slipped through Pinkie's curls. She hadn't expected to wake Pinkie up. She didn't know how to react, seeing her tilt her head up and look at Twilight through sleepy eyes.

"What's wrong, Twilight?" Pinkie murmured. It was hard to read her expression in the moonlight from the window, but Twilight recognized that little pitch of worry in her voice.

Twilight's first response was a fragile whisper of "I don't know." It wasn't a complete lie. She did know that the whirlwind of memories and fears boiled up her sorrow, but how could she explain that to Pinkie?

How would she look such an innocent pony in the eye and say, "I hate myself, and I don't want to wake up tomorrow"?

Pinkie gently squirmed a little, and in response Twilight loosened her wings around her, allowing her to reach her forelegs around Twilight's neck. "Can I kiss you?" she asked, pulling herself closer to her. Gosh, Pinkie was so precious. Twilight didn't deserve this.

Twilight knew that it wasn't right, but she selfishly nodded anyway. She expected Pinkie to gently close the gap between them, but suddenly Pinkie yanked Twilight's head down toward her, and before Twilight could say anything, she felt her tongue swiftly brush against her cheek.

Once Twilight was freed, she exhaled a breath she'd unknowingly held in. "Did you  _lick_ me?"

Pinkie's eyes were wider open now, and her voice was barely hiding her stifled giggle as she answered. "That counts as a kiss, right? I just wanted your tears to go away. That's the least I could do."

Twilight felt herself smile just a little. She was unhappy, that hadn't changed, but she admired Pinkie a lot, as strange as it all seemed. The idea that her first instinct was to get rid of Twilight's tears by licking them was definitely...eccentric, but not in a bad way.

Pinkie really had never changed. Would she always be this way?

"I'm scared of losing you." Twilight didn't mean for the thought to slip out. She didn't mean for Pinkie to notice. She had fleeting hope that it was quieter than she'd thought, but Pinkie's everlasting cheerfulness faded as she held Twilight's gaze for a quiet moment.

"Did you have a bad dream?" Pinkie lowered her eyes as she spoke. Was she nervous? Why would she be nervous about something so vague?

Twilight didn't like the feeling she had twisting in her stomach, but she couldn't believe that lying to Pinkie would make anything better. "I haven't slept. If I sleep, I'll have to wake up, and maybe it's ridiculous but I'd really rather--"

She stopped and yelped as Pinkie suddenly sat up and tossed the blanket back toward the foot of the bed. Twilight blinked and watched Pinkie, unsure of what to say as the moonlight illuminated her icy eyes. She seemed to be frantically surveying Twilight, looking for something, and let out a short gasp when she found it.

Pinkie ran her hoof over the side of Twilight's leg. She stopped right where Twilight expected. "Oh, no..." Pinkie looked back up at Twilight and leaped at her, burying her face in Twilight's mane. "What'd you go and do that for, Twilight?"

Was Pinkie really so sure of that, or was she making a confident but wild guess that Twilight had cried and hated herself and wished she could reverse so many things?

"I'm sorry for being so..." Twilight couldn't bring herself to say "pathetic." It didn't seem like the right word, but it was almost the right feeling. She wasn't pitiful, she didn't want or deserve pity. She was... "...so weak."

"You're  _not!_ " Pinkie reacted, nearly shrieking. "You're  _not weak!_ You're just  _upset_ and  _scared!_ " She rolled back onto her side, facing Twilight again. "Is it my fault?"

"No, no, no!" That was the complete opposite of how Twilight wanted her to feel. "It's _my_ fault, I--" She tried not to cry, for Pinkie's sake. She swallowed something that didn't go down and continued. "I'm the one who can't cope with the idea that everything in my life keeps changing, and sometimes I wish I was just a normal pony again, and I did really awful things and I want to fix it--" This was somehow starting to sound really dumb now that it was spilling. "--and I don't want you to change, Pinkie, but it's gonna happen, no matter what anypony does, and Fluttershy is going to change, and next thing I know we'll all be broken up and all our friendships are gonna be torn apart, all because I was  _stupid enough_ to _fall in_ _love!_ "

Everything was inevitable, just like how Twilight ended up tearing her burning, blurring eyes away as she tried to stop.

"I-I didn't know..." Pinkie sounded so dumbfounded. This would do it, this would end everything, because Twilight was so, so  _stupid._ "I really love you, Twilight. That's not gonna change, I know it."

"It  _could,_ " Twilight insisted. "And I know if you stopped wanting to be my girlfriend, the right thing to do would be to accept that and let you go, but...I'm  _terrified,_ that everything is going to go wrong after that...and..." She realized it then. "That's why I'm scared to wake up tomorrow. I don't want to be any closer to that day."

Pinkie didn't say anything. Twilight didn't really expect her to. There wasn't anything Pinkie could say to her that could completely convince her that she was wrong, that everything would be okay. And Twilight knew that Pinkie  _hated_ not knowing how to cheer somepony up, so whining about all this probably wasn't the best idea. After a little while, she cleared up her throat. "But you'll be closer to happy days, too, right? That's what I always think."

Twilight looked back at Pinkie, who'd just looked away. She was smiling again, a little sheepishly. "I used to sometimes think that I'd never be happy. And I wanted to sleep forever, but then...then I'd tell myself that it would happen as long as I was around to see it, you know? And that I might find somepony who loves me the same way I love her..." She then returned Twilight's stare, her smile growing. "And look, it happened, didn't it? And I'll make it last as long as I can so the bad times'll be shorter."

That sort of thing happened with Twilight, hadn't it? It certainly wasn't the first time she went through a fit like this. Even as a filly, she'd sometimes have sleepless, hopeless nights. Yet years later, she had friends who filled her with bliss, she was an equal with her eternal mentor, she'd improved herself and achieved all her dreams that had once been little more than wishful thinking.

"I'm really lucky to be here, then," Twilight concluded aloud. "I guess it's easy to worry about losing it all."

Pinkie bent over to tug the blanket back with her teeth. After lying back down on her side she gently rested a hoof against Twilight's. " _I'm_ lucky you love me so much, Twilight."

Twilight still couldn't quite wrap her head around exactly what Pinkie saw in her, but she wasn't about to bring it up. She felt that twisting ugliness in her heart finally, finally start to loosen, and she didn't want to yank it back into a thorny knot. How could she make this spark of joy last even a heartbeat longer?

"Let's go on a date tomorrow," Twilight suggested, quickly, not wanting any time for her hesitation to wash away her happiness.

Pinkie nodded, grinning now, and snuggled her way against Twilight's body. "See?" Her voice was softened as she muffled it in Twilight's coat. "Our happiness is gonna last even longer now. It's gonna be invincible at this rate."

Twilight only responded by cloaking Pinkie with her wings, now lovingly looking at her with nothing but gratitude.

Feelings were funny. She'd been imprisoned all night in her dense cage of hopelessness until Pinkie said a few words, like magic keys almost instantly unlocking the door for Twilight to smile like this again. Maybe Twilight just needed Pinkie to cheer her up on some nights, or maybe Pinkie was just much more skilled in that talemt than Twilight imagined.

It was going to return, of course. It always had, it always would. But now, Twilight was certain that Pinkie's love was enough to keep her strong, even if it would be just for a full night's sleep.

And maybe they would grow apart one day, but there was no point preparing for it now. It would only drive Twilight to hurt herself and hate herself again. Twilight needed to keep herself in the present, in this moment, falling asleep with Pinkie in her wings, knowing that she'd be safe with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (tw for brief mentions of self harm + irl death in this note)
> 
> when i was 13, i made friends with one of my classmates. we became really close. i was so happy because he was one of the few people i could be totally 100% myself around, we made each other really happy and we hung out a bunch. i thought we'd be great friends forever.
> 
> then high school came. it didn't take long for him to stop talking to me. he had better friends. friends that were happier, more fun to be around. he didn't completely ignore me, but he wasn't nearly as eager to talk to me. this was pretty soon after my girlfriend died, too. needless to say, i was very distraught.
> 
> that summer, i got in touch with him again. we had more classes in common. i was hopeful, really hopeful that this meant we could be friends again. and for about a month i thought it was really happening, that we'd hang out just like we used to and be best friends again and have so much fun and be happy. but i realized he slowly stopped initiating the conversation. he changed his mind. we still weren't friends anymore.
> 
> well, he probably wouldn't say that. he still follows me on instagram and tumblr. and on instagram he likes and comments on my posts. but he does that with everybody. it's not the same.
> 
> i miss him. i miss 8th grade, where we always always worked together on partner assignments, always joked around with each other in class, would hang out at each other's houses to play video games, or play animal crossing after school over the internet. i miss when he confessed that i was different from his other friends because i didn't make fun of his weight, and he trusted me for that. i miss when he did everything in his power to stop me from self-harming. i miss when he was proud of me for becoming happier. i miss my best friend.
> 
> i noticed one day, when i told him that i confessed to the girl i like and she accepted, he told me a few moments later that the girl he liked didn't like him back. he seemed sure of it. and maybe it's obnoxious to say this, but since then i've always wondered: was that girl me? did he have a crush on me? was that the only reason he became my friend?
> 
> but it was quite a while before he stopped wanting to be friends, so that's up in the air. and either way, i still miss him and the happiness he brought me.
> 
> and i want to cry myself to sleep and never wake up whenever i remember just how fleeting that kind of happiness can be.
> 
> sorry for rambling. i needed to vent a little, i guess. and maybe explain the feelings behind this chapter. it was hard for me to imagine a happy ending, because i don't have mine yet, so i'm sorry if it's sloppy.
> 
> thank you for reading.


End file.
